isolation anonymous

read fucked up stories about our lives, come here if you are lonely, depressed, or feel isolated

im not anything

hey guys Russ here again after awhile. First thing is I got a new smartphone pay as u go so I can post on mobile againn pretty sick honestly. not even sure rlly when the last time I signed on here was, honestly jus been feeling pretty fucked up and not rite Completely in my head for awhile like eggs that didnt cook all the way from French toast for instance if the bread was too thick. Applied for a job at the gas station downstairs from my apartment but still didnt get a call back.

Nothing going on as far as my legal case against me anymore but im Still on probation for a long time. Honestly have been keeping sober mostly other than for aggressive drinking when feeling extra shhredded but I dnt even do shit like PCP anymore, that’s y I got in trouble. sometimes I still want to kill myself but honestly feel like the world is such a fuckinng shitshow goin to hell so rapidly wer all going down together at basically the same rate. Sometimes I dream about falling out of a tree into a bottomless ocean and sinking through the center of the earth into gods eye, a place of total peace and complete stillness where I can’t be affected by  push and pull forces of  the Fuckkking magnetism that drives me 2 wicked indulgences.

Other times I Dream of being at a summer camp full of ppl from throughout my past that choose to no longer acknowledge me for various reasons. alternating between cold blankness and frozen emptiness on good days . been sticking to cheap vodka, mostly Gordon’s.

not even sure if allowed on the Internet or not at this pointX can’t even figure out What it means to like something  anymore but I still feel the need to talk to somebody at certain times.  Haven’t heard from LHJ for awhile or noticed if he was on maplestory at all, honestly don’t even play games much at this stage, just staring at the ceiling a lot. Like if I fix my gaze hard enough a wormhole will open to a dimension where my  ex’s mom doesn’t call to tell me the police will be at my house within 24 hours if I text her daughter anymore song lyrics while accusing me  of being “threatening” just for saying how i feel . People that avoid or maybe hate me in many cases of  being cast as an ugly shadow across the lives of others have called me a psycho or accused me of violenxce but the funny part is I’ve never hurt anybody at all other than myself. Actually its not even a little bit funny and I need a beer. Better go dig for change

 

just Rollin thru. Catchh u guys soon

 

– Russ

 

4evr bleaker Corner 2 turn

should probably get my own account and stop posting through russ’s, but what would be the point? that guy doesn’t seem like he gives a shit about anything. actually am thinking about going to visit russ in the real soon, been talking to him a lot through final fantasy 11 online. we play together on the midgardsormr server, almost no one plays that game anymore but russ and i started an IA guild on there if anyone ever wants to come join us, i play as a mithra bard/white mage called JACK IA and russ is a galka dark knight named “SHITSTAIN.”

 

don’t really have much to say but i just wanted to jump on here for a second before i put on the same pants i’ve been wearing for like five days now and go to my mindless job that i despise. money doesn’t mean anything to me and i can’t really manage to save any of it, i guess there are things that i want like to travel but virtually everywhere i go feels like the same place anyway and at the end of the day unless i’m wrapped around a beer and a pizza i feel terribly afraid. i want to press RESET on this jenga nintendo life as the last block pulls itself and the tower continues to crumble cyclically in endless fashion, want to begin game again as someone else, knowing what i know from this lifetime, but preferably not. i wish that a static cyclone would come erase my brainwaves using bad magnets to dial the polarity of myself back to before zero. i want to stare into the sun until the end of time without squinting because nothing at this point could exacerbate the already perpetual headache i’ve accumulated over 25 years of existing as an infinitely fractured vessel of truth. maybe i never existed at all. when the train conductor comes around to collect my four dollars on the way to work, i just stare down into my phone and write notes at the speed of light anymore, and usually nobody bothers me.

 

just want to thank russ again for keying me into IA and letting me use this account all summer, russ, if you see this i hope everything’s going ok, same to thom and LHJ. i havent heard from anyone in a while but did talk to LHJ once over the phone this summer. honestly hate nothing more than extreme temperatures, i’m not built for it, fuck summer and winter, for every apex there is a necessary collapse, change is terrifying but there is beauty in transitional energy, even if it comes from strife and turmoil around the way. maybe i’m just a pussy and this post sucks, maybe it would be better if i were someone else. in any event i better go slam a diet dr. pepper and smoke the tenth cigarette since i woke up if i have any hope of shorting my circuits enough for what i gotta deal with today.

peace out, girl scouts

-jack

saying nothing

hello guys russ here again. well fall is allmost here, mostly just am feeling like being asleep. as usual. Lately been eating a lot of ground turkey at home but feeling like i can never put on enough hot sauce, can anyone relate? found some temporary work building pallets and moving boxes, good shit to put green ducats in my back pocket. keep going to the bar every night but every girl i see looks like her face is a mosquito bite drowning in alien puke. i miss jane but im so fucked if i try to call her ever again. i mean she is a fucking cunt but so am i. the whole world is a big mucousy cavern at times i feel like we are all just getting sucked into the abyss of sin. well when i come out the other side, you won’t even see yourself. ive been studying the bible mostly revelations and i see what has to happen, the mission grows increeasingly clear. feeling more and more alarmed these days at the way things r progressing along but im just minding my business. people see me on the street and say “y so blue russ” or “u should smile more” and they have no clue what im packing. When someone step to me trying to start conffrontation i just laugh anymore, i cant be shattered, and if they will try to shatter me they could only shatter theirself.

honestly dont give a fuck about much anymore. life wasgood back when i worked at the gas station and jane came over to make  sausage and bread. but life doesnt work that way, it isnt like in disney where everything works out at the end. it’s more like that movie A Serbian Film i’m coming to realize, well guess what, the joke’s not on Russell James everyone is gonna find out before the credits start to roll, in about 2 seconds here. i’ve been shattered beyond repair so DON’T fuck with me.

 

that’s basically all i just wanted to get up with u guys since it’s been a second. glad to see some new ppl r on here, havent seen LHJ on maplestory in a while so i hope he’s alright. shoutouts to thomas for keeping this shit alive.

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on being a Shell:

She was in Hell. Love would never find her on her own terms, and she stumbled listlessly through her days feeling vapid and empty. The weight of various woes mixed with accumulated remorse made her feel as though she’d sunk underwater some time ago and only recently discovered the surface again. She was learning how to breathe as if she’d never known at all; in quick gasps, she fought to get a word in edgewise. No stranger to throwing a wrench into the works of space and time, she spent her days connecting stardust dots and hoping against her better judgement for clues to appear.

The one she loved was the brightest star in her sky. She smiled with ease when he was near as without fail he always set free the wild laughter hidden within her. She loved without limitation and she struggled with filtering the magnitude of the flame he stoked within her. It was impossible to say how much. When she was all alone she laid in bed and cried at the way she ached for him, craving his embrace beyond any desire she’d ever known. Still, she made love to herself patiently, cherishing the persistent fantasy of being filled with his light.

“An empty shell,” she thought, as she dressed and began preheating the oven with one hand while buttoning her shirt with the other. Lighting a cigarette with wistful abandon, she sighed and wished silently for some way her dream could shift into being. Sighing tiredly, she grinned crookedly and brewed coffee with newfound purpose and attention to the tiniest of details.

Between dreaming and being awake, neither was as real to her as the dimension of otherness. A receiver of various signs, she interpreted signals from beyond, inferring through bleak boundaries  of the physical world to intuit the grand design of formless chaos. Spirits came to whistle at her through the kitchen window, their whispers morphing in collision with her soul to songs of his Love caterwauled in secret languages.

Curled up under her favorite threadbare blanket, she ate an entire pizza by herself that night. Rarely ever did she go out anymore. Frittering away the hours at home, she worked constantly, weaving webs of threads spun from a zillion yarns told across kitchen tables all over America.

She became crazed with the half-emptiness she experienced in his absence.  Her heart bubbled with joy when she thought of him, but also sadness and insufferable inadequacy. She felt that in her own natural way, the shell of herself could never be warm enough for him to know her as Home. Still, his smile gave her hope, and most of all sweetness, and most importantly, Light.

Lamenting that she could never be a butterfly, the better to tickle the tip of his nose with her wings, suddenly there came a flash. Thunder roared outside the window and from dreaming her favorite dream earlier on, she had soaked through to the bone already. Tilting her head up toward the sky, she politely opened her mouth and gracefully accepted a drink. Then, emphatically, she dispersed into as many drops of herself as there were drops of rain. Her tears poured forth and upward, soaking all the stars in heaven, and everything went dark.

That is, all being was pitch black until his light shown in darkness, beaming gently down on her, its perfectly comforting glow enmeshed with a dim echo that every version of herself had always known throughout all time. He neutralized her temperature with his effervescent vibration and kept her from trembling. He filled her soul with solidity and confidence and peace and kept her mind at ease. She wrapped herself around him and his aura of flaming brilliance became doubly blinding, and together they hurtled through the darkness forever.

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#Rekt

feel like i haven’t posted on here in a dog’s age. it seems almost impossible to do almost anything anymore. feeling destroyed internally, like incinerated, mutilated, utterly shredded, as if there were a mosquito bite where my heart’s supposed to be. the more i try to take care of myself and go out on a limb to be myself and try to be happy the clearer it becomes that i’m never gonna make it home to anything but chaos living as this. thankful at least for the fact that cigarettes exist. otherwise i’d be so fucked. lately there have lots of bees outside my house. a hornet stung my leg and now it feels like a black hole is growing on my calf.

every time i leave the house and try to enjoy stuff that should make me feel good or at least nostalgic, like going to my favorite bar, it just feels like burning. it’s hard to describe. i always have so much to say and most everyone i find out in the world has so little patience or willingness to understand. sometimes i intimidate people without meaning to; i’ll be ignored from that point on OR (i’ve had this happen a lot), people who seem to feel threatened by me will turn around and assert dominance by arguing fiercely about nothing. the other night, some wench at the local tavern i like to haunt sometimes started screamin at me about hilary clinton. even though i wasn’t really listening, just staring at the sky and trying to drink a beer, i must have said something to set her off. in high school she had sex with virtually every guy in my class but i never paid her much attention really. some friendships were definitely injured beyond repair by this girl’s need to seduce everything in her path; i guess i’m lucky that sometimes isolation maybe even equates to some degree of self-respect. so, maybe she’s just offended i never expressed interest in trying to have sex with her. literally SCREAMING at me, i don’t know why, but people do act weird when they’re sexually frustrated, especially when they feel conflicted about who or what they want. or why.

it was extra weird because a friend of hers at the table that night started talking to me about getting married. girl B and i hooked up once a long time ago but the sex was mediocre at best and resulted in the irreconcilable ruin of a great relationship i was in at the time. the harlot would always come over to my house wasted on friday or saturday nights and claim to be too smashed to go home. i guess i was dumb, or maybe it was just that my girlfriend’s twin sister turned out to be the one i really loved, like some cruel twist of fate that made it game over before we ever really pressed ‘start.’

in my experience of living as man, it seems that relationships with women never pan out in a way that seems to make sense (or sometimes in a way that makes too much sense), even though everything is everything and everything happens for a reason (no reason). i struggle with finding the reason why i had to be born a boy. is it fucked up if i want to become a gay woman, or maybe one who likes boys about .0001% of the time (that may even be a generous approximation)? i feel like some people would say that just makes me a pervert or a creep or something.

thinking about sex gives me a headache but i have one friend, baxter, who i can always talk to about anything no matter how fucked up it is. he’s the only person i like to spend time with more than i like being alone. honestly, i’ve entertained the possibility quite a lot that i’m further gone off the deep end than i even know, and that maybe baxter is as much a figment of my imagination as everything else feels like sometimes. usually we meet all kinds of fucked up archetypal characters when we go out, almost like we’re living in a greek myth where he’s Zeus or Osiris or something and i’m Thanatos or potentially even Persephone. that being said, i guess it’s not really so weird after all that we wound up bumping into the harpies at the bar.

i’m so fuckin glad i found this website. sometimes no matter how honestly i express myself or how openly i wear my heart on my sleeve, i feel like everyone just wants to murder me for the level of freedom i have, thanks mostly to my newfound acceptance of total zeroism as the only lasting infinite truth. a guy I worked for a long time ago told me that infinite love is the only truth and i struggle a lot with the question of whether Love is real, or nothing is. maybe love is nothing. maybe everything is.

i bet some people would read this post and think call me a misogynist or accuse me of trying to slut-shame the girls in my story from before because i don’t respect the way they use their sex as a divisive mechanism. recently i called out some girl from town for making a creepy rape joke i didn’t like on facebook. she had posted a picture of some guy standing behind her holding her arms like a puppet and put the caption, “i’ll make her look like she likes it.” i wrote that it’s actually a woman’s own job to decide what she does and doesn’t like and that i didn’t appreciate how the overall statement could be interpreted to promote a culture of sexual violence. i guess that because i have a penis, no matter the level at which i experience gender dysphoria or the way i think, i really went out on a limb with my comment. various double-standards among the gender paradigm are endlessly mystifying to me. one of the girl’s friends responded that it’s none of my business what the first girl’s joke means and i need to stop “man-splaining,” which according to her is a violent way that men misinterpret the messages and intentions of women. the whole conversation kind of made me want to throw up, even just thinking about it now does too honestly….pretty sure i was actually just me-splainin’, but when i’m really sincere, i feel like i get the worst results. can’t even refer to the conversation anymore because the first girl blocked me, but i’m pretty sure the second girl was basically saying that because i’m not biologically female, it was wrong of me in that instance to speak out against rape culture if by doing so i would be condemning a woman’s own role in perpetuating the cycle of undermining the value of all womankind. but then again, maybe that’s just my tendency to “man-splain” making me think that. *barf*

read a great article on wikipedia that made me think a lot about who the hell i’m supposed to be. i recommend everyone ask themself that same question more often, every single day if possible. good luck out there everyone. if i die today, even though some people hate me for relentlessly telling the truth, my conscience is clear as spring rain and heart is lighter than anything. stay Real.

-jack

 

 

 

 

 

 

just anomally thinggs…

heyy guys russel here, woke up and heard a new song today…

well i wanted just to get on here and tell you guys im ok. people keep contacting me on here about some of my posts from the past when i had a bad addiction problem to alpha-php and 3-meo-pcp, i dontt even do drugggs anymore just for incase you guys wondered. mostly just drink coffee and smoke salem-winston Lights. not that it’s anybody’s GOD DAMN FUCKING BUSIness but mine. sorry i get a littttle heated at times when my phone starts breaking down on me for no reason. im thinking of buying a samsung galaxy in a feww here can anybody speak to that?? is it a good phone?

 

well some stuff happened the other day but i wont get into it currently im still in court proceedings with my ex-girlfriend jane ross. if you guys dont know her she\\s the most selfish person ive ever met thatss all i’ll say. people always say to me “russ whats wrong ‘ OR  “russ y the long face” well when someonne takes u to court for a restraining order they issued because you told the truth, its frustrating. i represent myself in any and all proceedings because even though the official story sometimes says “no foul play,” i read between the lines when bad shit happenns. Kaelyn the girl downstairs from my apartment in the gas station wher i used to work said the same thing to me even. im thinkinggg of asking me to go out with her and eat tomato soup soon. i got a new job at a firmm downtown wher all i do is jerk off, leave work early to go to the firing range and make coffee. u cant make thiss stuff up. the truth is stranger

 

well guys i just wanted to say i have been was thinkng about you guys a lot mostly for the time ive been awaayy. i talked to thom and lhj on maplestory the other night and theyr good guys honestly most of my friends that id say are the best ive met from there and starmen.net. started reading another blog www.soymilkrevolution.com and whoever is the mixtape character on there hes my new fuckinggg hero. not sure why the guy writing the blog is aggressively deriding mixtape so much. seems like frommm what i can tell the author must be sexually attracted to him in order to hate mixtape that much and likely a closeted homosexual,  i have a sixth sense for these kindss of things but im very busy, gotta go to work soon and always am fighting for time to take a shit before i clock in. welll i guess thats it for now guys im gonna go bust out grande latte enema tyler durden style annd go jacks  smirking revenge on the situation as usuall. dont worry about me 2 all my friends on here. i wont ever changge

 

ifrit _ over and out&– RUSSELL JAMES, JR.

pissed off

hello it’s jack, sorry for the confusion. feeling extremely fucking angry. this summer has been the most fucked up yet just like everything else. wanted to just give shoutouts to lhj for reminding me to do pushups when i’m feeling this way, hate heals. you should try it sometime.

hooked up with this mousy lesbian girl who wrecked my whole fucking world. people love to call me a drug addict and sever ties with me, well guess what bitch, the needle is full of you. it’s not even fair.  wish i was a lesbian living on a bed made out of pomegranates and avocado shells.  then nobody could play the ice queen card in order to destroy my happiness for no reason.

 

god, im fucking finixhed. i really am. takes almost all my energy to keep it real like i do and my face just keeps getting jerked off in as a result. i tried watching gay porn and i liked it. ten dollars left to last until payday next week, i wonder how much liquor that will buy. definitely no reason to be sober at this point. my lesbian mouse said she had loved me since before we ever even met, then ran back to her girlfriend before anything could get real. plus i had tried to say no in the first place out of respect; she tried to take me into the woods and use me to satiate herself and i defiantly blacked out on a bench instead. then once she sobered up and came clean, it became a matter of her trying to say i started it. so i changed her name in my phone to “Trick2” and was reminded why the people who only pretend to love me so they can use my dick are always the ones i hate the most.

 

i’m not gonna lie i’ve always struggled with gender dysphoria. this girl being a bitch on this level really made me want to just change into something nobody can touch. i want to be a gryffin chimera of all good things beating to the rhythm of the heart of the world.  fucking glad i’m not worth loving to most people honestly, if i’m straight up with almost anyone i can see the machine of themself short-circuiting while they wonder if i’m a person who sex could be ok with. people are so fucking fake, if the apocalypse happens in my lifetime i’ll enjoy the carnage so much. a violent death could only be glorious

 

happy birthday jerry.

 

  • jackz

the fucking fury

hey guys russ again. where to start. well it’s been a long time since i thought i first saw myself wholly and at total peace with the duality of things. guess i must have been wrong. self-diagnosed myself with rapid mania but nothing seemss to help. it’s as if things are adding up in total at some times, then at others like a tetris games where all the truth was cleared away by dropping the L block and now i don’t even know anything anymore again.

well not sure what i want to tell you guys, my cat is crying and i’m getting fucking pissed off, even though her breakfast time is 5 and she knows that but it’s 4:40 currently. very often i hate her so much, at times i’ve even held a knife to her just to think how much more a sustainable decision it is to eat her fucking brain.

 

surrounded by death lately. everyone is always trying to say “well don’t worry russ” or “u takeing things too seriously” but im fuckng not. i got an ak-47 on layaway because the tec-9 i wanted was a $600 price, not what i could afford but the AK i can have for a monthly fee which is nice. so far i’ve been shooting two times. also found a bunch of bottle rockets at my new job but the wood stems are fucked on ’em so i keep burning my hands trying to play wwhenn i get drunk.

 

wasn’t to smart about my money this week but i’ve invested a good deal into medicine over time. Lionshead Beer for me is what some people probably think tylenol is, some people who are fucking shit. sorry i thought i was jack for a second you guys. just was acting more fucked up then usual

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-russ

existential aloneness

Lately my life has become more than a video game… Existential aloneness surrounds me from all angles but I am enjoying the peaceful solitude…somehow I feel better than ever. I have somehow bursted through the level ceiling of 200 and transformed into level 205. The new skills I have learned are embrace aloneness, navigate deep self, and connection with the five elements through the practice of isolation.

The way I have been improving my character I feel like CJ in GTA San Andreas after swimming driving and biking a million miles, working out for 2 hours each cycle of the sun, and killing hundreds of thousands of people with each gun.

peaceful solitude

peaceful solitude

The way I’ve been achieving inner strength lately is through the peacefulness and practice of solitude on an every day basis. Now not much has changed in the fact that I spend 99% of my time alone, but a new outlook and perspective have led me to deep realizations of inner strength and fury which I have been harnessing day by day with each breath that moves through me. The Earth is a violent place and sometimes we must be violent with ourselves in preparation for the unknown.

The future is a field of infinite possibilities of scenarios that have already played out and are being played out still, unendingly. There is a wormhole opening deep in my self. My life is an endless feedback loop of refrigeration and reheating, on and off, information and silence. I am traversing the line between light and dark and have looked the scepter in the eye.

art in our life

Honestly I’m still still video games but lately while I’m playing I just think about myself. I think about darkness, death, aloneness, realness, solitude, light, peace, longevity, aloneness. But I mostly think the war tactics involved in each moment of each game I play including life itself. I envision myself as a warrior, fighting a battle against everyone else in the world. My primary weapon is a worm hole. My secondary is a broadsword. Daggers in all of my sneakers and razor blades under all of my tongues in all of my mouths.

Ever since lhj told me about push ups and how they were increasing his strength and making him a better overall warrior I’ve been doing theme everyday in between my other activities like playing video games and sitting still and lying down and walking to the store. I’ve been taking ice cold showers to strengthen my spirit because the war has already started. It would appear as though the gods were bestowing some type of blessings upon me, manifesting their will somehow through me. I owe them sacrifice. Ready to do something positive to this world.

Thom

purging emotional pain

can almost feel the chicken clogging my veins… as i’m purging emotional pain – transitioning into fire…burger king breakfast every day until i become a pancake. if life were a pancake death is maple syrup and i am the part of the pancake that got burnt on accident and tastes weird. chicken finger yearning doesn’t stop for me.

{emotion}

yearning

chicken finger

been going through an emotional purge lately and i feel good around 11 am everyday and by 3 I feel like a dump trunk full of garbage legs seeping into a rip in the universe… told some girl her hair was cool today and she looked really fucking happy it was kind of cool. then she said how her hair used to be blue or some shit and i didn’t know what to say to her so i just looked at my phone.

anyway i fucking hate how people just bump into you on the train it makes me want to knock someone the fuck out… why do people still not wear deoderant in the heat of the summer in twenty fuucking sixteen i had to tell some dude he smelled like the curry he ate 3 nights ago because he insisted on putting his arm right on top of me in the bus like I’m just glad he moved but i honestly should have kicked him out the back door cuz after he moved he just like moved right on top of this old chinese lady and had his arm pit right on her face man and i don’t know if i should have saved her or him BUT FUCK ITs not about him man

i just got back from copping a fucking lot of fruit because i just feel all the meat pasta and rice fucking stagnated within and i need to help myself help myself FUCKING PURGE…

honestly think I’m ascending into space somehow… feel like my emotions are EXPLODING like a fucking star.. need to fucking go to sleep now sorry for the shitty post honestly

 

but i just wanted to say whats good and welcome to the new members and big ups to jackruzst for holding shit down .. hope everyone is good

-stay isolated-

peace

purging emotional pain

purging emotional pain

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