feel like i haven’t posted on here in so long but it seems almost impossible to do almost anything anymore. feeling destroyed internally, like incinerated, mutilated, utterly shredded, as if there were a mosquito bite where my heart’s suppposed to be. the more i try to take care of myself and go out on a limb to be myself and try to be happy the clearer it becomes that i’m never gonna make it home to anything but chaos living as this. thankful at least for the fact that cigarettes exist. otherwise i’d be so fucked. lately there have lots of bees outside my house. i got stung in the leg. now it looks almost like a black hole is growing on my calf.
every time i leave my house and try to enjoy stuff that should make me feel nostalgic, like going to my favorite bar, it just feels like burning. it’s hard to describe. i always have so much to say and most everyone i find out in the world has so little patience or willingness to understand. sometimes i totally intimidate people without meaning to; the typical response is i’ll be ignored from that point on OR, i’ve had this happen a lot, people who seem to feel threatened by me turn around and assert dominance by arguing fiercely with me about nothing. some wench i bumped into at a local tavern my best friend and i used to haunt way back when started screaming at me about hilary clinton the other night even though i wasn’t really listening, just staring at the sky and trying to drink a beer. in high school she had sex with virtually every guy in my circle but i never paid her any attention really. some friendships were definitely injured beyond repair by this girl’s need to seduce basically every male i regularly smoked cigarettes with back then and many others i’m sure. so, maybe she’s just offended i never expressed interest in trying to have sex with her. literally SCREAMING at me, i don’t know why, but people do act weird when they’re sexually frustrated, especially when they feel conflicted about who or what they want.
it was extra weird because a friend of hers at the table that night started talking to me about getting married. girl B and i hooked up once a long time ago but the sex was mediocre at best and resulted in the irreconcilable ruin of a great relationship i had at the time. girl B would come over to my house wasted on the weekends asking for a place to stay and claiming to be too smashed to go home and i guess i was dumb, or maybe it was just that my girlfriend’s twin sister turned out to be the one i really loved and it’s never stopped haunting me to be honest. my experience of living as man is that that relationships with women never pan out in a way that seems to make sense, even though everything is everything and everything happens for a reason. i struggle with finding the reason why i had to be born a boy though. is it fucked up if i want to become a gay woman? i feel like some people would say that just makes me a pervert or a creep or something. thinking about sex gives me a headache but i have one friend, baxter, who i can always talk to about anything no matter how fucked up it is. he’s the only person i like to spend time with more than i like being alone. usually we meet all kinds of fucked up people when we go out, almost like we’re living in a greek myth and he’s zeus and i’m thanatos or potentially even persephone, so i guess it’s not so weird we wound up bumping into the harpies.
i’m so fuckin glad i found this website. sometimes no matter how honestly i express myself or how openly i wear my heart on my sleeve, i feel like everyone just wants to murder me for the level of freedom i have thanks to my newfound total acceptance of zero as the only lasting infinite truth. i wonder if some people would read this and think i’m a misogynist or trying to slut-shame the girls in my story from just before because i don’t respect the way they carry themselves. i called out some girl from town for basically making a rape joke but one of her friends told me in so many words that my interpretation of the comment “i’ll make her look like she likes it” was aggressive and none of my business. the gender paradigm is endlessly mystifying to me. the other girl told me it’s none of my business what the first girl’s joke means and i need to stop “man-splaining,” which according to her is a violent way that men misinterpret the messages of women. the whole conversation kind of made me want to throw up, even just thinking about it now does too honestly.
read a great article on wikipedia that made me think a lot about who the hell i’m supposed to be. i recommend everyone ask themself that same question more often, every single day if possible. i’m gonna make some more coffee and get lit and work on music ’cause i talked to someone this morning who really centered me in whatever purpose the totality of my experiences up to this point has led me to see value in. good luck everyone, if i die today, even though some people hate me for relentlessly telling the truth, my conscience is clear as spring rain and heart is lighter than anything