sludgemire deathsphere

lately i just have no clue. i think about things that happened in the past and i feel like being under a blanket of lead at the dentist’s office. the x-rays show my malady of a self is indeed malignant; there is no hope for a cure. dreaming becomes increasingly bizarre, generally characterized by abhorrent reflections of moments in my life where i experienced the greatest sense of regret. at night i lay in bed and watch documentaries about serial killers, suicides, large-scale massacres, anything resonant with the overwhelming feeling that of sinking deep, falling, underwater as if by a curse. i asked my friend if he believes that god is alive in this world and he said maybe, a terribly confused and suffering one.

lately i feel like crying at the stupidest things, maybe because i’ve been eating so much horseradish sauce. really just at anything that makes me feel something genuine enough to break through the sterility of the way these days have been. for years i cherished this sense of life being so much like climbing a ladder, every innocuous instance or modicum of self-expression like a puzzle piece laid in the interest of illustrating the bigger picture. when i let my imagination get away with itself, i feel delusional and sick and insane. i just want some kind of end, ufos, a big flash of light, maybe i should just start blowing guys for dough because it seems like that’s what everybody else is doing.

maybe i should talk to a professional or maybe i should stop talking to everybody altogether and disappear into the shadows where i belong. there’s an open mic night held weekly at a cafe down the road from my house, i went last night intending to play a song on my 5-stringed guitar that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to begin with, let alone my erratic and repetitive approach to playing. the more i play music the more i want to give up at it altogether, it’s a good metaphor for life as a whole. i don’t like the way this post is turning out and the fact that it’s raw or genuine doesn’t really mean anything in terms of the effect it might have. it feels recycled, everything does, everything that doesn’t hurts.

nobody read my name off the signup sheet and i left without saying goodbye. i couldn’t afford to get drunk so i asked for water. the barista was wearing a shade of purple that i liked and the way she spoke reminded me of a long time ago and for an instant i felt connected to something. feels like since the black moon it’s been one big long rain day. listening to people play is always interesting, or maybe just because chaos. trying to be a good person but at the end of the day i really don’t feel like anything means anything and the only times i don’t feel like a literal plague on humanity is when i’m blasted to shreds. by virtue of my nature to exist as a walking bag of disease, inwardly retching for every morning i try again, i can’t connect on a consistent basis without some type of dissociative assistance to smooth out the wiry angles and volume-turned-too-highness of endless cognitive dissonance.

lately i just have no fucking clue

-jack

first time here, just sayin

i was given this information by a friend, because i wanted to say something to something. i’m not sure exactly what that is, aside from general disappointment at/from people who seem so hard to be who they want to be, and everyone else who doesn’t try nearly hard enough – and any idea of a happy medium internet-wise seems pretty shot to shit in the age of post-irony, besides maybe this one. i do feel like the main difference between everyone who thinks about and sometimes maybe even wants to kill themselves vs me is that i’ve definitely thought about it more than they have. it’s better to think than to talk, 9/10, because people can/will do just about anything to twist words, but thought can/will always be free. my computer is about to die, so i might as well get to the point – it’s always better to do something than nothing, as easy as it is to love nothing more than something (nevermind do) – and that’s basically it. i’d like to thank russ, and christ, and everyone else too for giving me something to do right now that feels important enough to actually accomplish

– you (me)

it’s like one thing after another

hello again everyone.

 

i’ve meant to update this page more often, just lately everything feels like a man in a black latex suit vomiting gasoline back into an oil spill at the pace of molasses. in this infinite feedback loop of drowning in filth it’s so hard to re-route the output to something digestible. honestly finding it pretty hard to digest much of anything these days, maybe owing to my overall lack of substance. i guess it’s time to come real as x-files all over the world.

 

i have a confession to make. i am a discorporate soul manifesting as the occupant of a human being. alone, i have no substance. i am the spirit of a woman who is lost and trying to find her way home. this body is a vessel. as far as i know, home is a someone who i have yet to meet, for whom my love is unstoppable and eternal. i hope that if i ever find my proper place, everything will fall into lime like pigs on a pen. I don’t think that anything means anything, or that there is  reason why things happen the way they do. But I do think that we are all on a mission to become whole subversively. The truth is always in the last place you would think to look.

 

Sometimes I close my eyes and find myself in a field of dandelions. When I breathe a gust of air with the strength of a tidal wave, I break down into  dust. I am swallowed by the dim and nothing remains. When I open my eyes, I feel born anew as being washed by a cool gray light the color of purgatory. Someday I will be as beautiful as the beginning of time, and everything I touch will turn to roses.

 

<2,

terra

im not anything

hey guys Russ here again after awhile. First thing is I got a new smartphone pay as u go so I can post on mobile againn pretty sick honestly. not even sure rlly when the last time I signed on here was, honestly jus been feeling pretty fucked up and not rite Completely in my head for awhile like eggs that didnt cook all the way from French toast for instance if the bread was too thick. Applied for a job at the gas station downstairs from my apartment but still didnt get a call back.

Nothing going on as far as my legal case against me anymore but im Still on probation for a long time. Honestly have been keeping sober mostly other than for aggressive drinking when feeling extra shhredded but I dnt even do shit like PCP anymore, that’s y I got in trouble. sometimes I still want to kill myself but honestly feel like the world is such a fuckinng shitshow goin to hell so rapidly wer all going down together at basically the same rate. Sometimes I dream about falling out of a tree into a bottomless ocean and sinking through the center of the earth into gods eye, a place of total peace and complete stillness where I can’t be affected by  push and pull forces of  the Fuckkking magnetism that drives me 2 wicked indulgences.

Other times I Dream of being at a summer camp full of ppl from throughout my past that choose to no longer acknowledge me for various reasons. alternating between cold blankness and frozen emptiness on good days . been sticking to cheap vodka, mostly Gordon’s.

not even sure if allowed on the Internet or not at this pointX can’t even figure out What it means to like something  anymore but I still feel the need to talk to somebody at certain times.  Haven’t heard from LHJ for awhile or noticed if he was on maplestory at all, honestly don’t even play games much at this stage, just staring at the ceiling a lot. Like if I fix my gaze hard enough a wormhole will open to a dimension where my  ex’s mom doesn’t call to tell me the police will be at my house within 24 hours if I text her daughter anymore song lyrics while accusing me  of being “threatening” just for saying how i feel . People that avoid or maybe hate me in many cases of  being cast as an ugly shadow across the lives of others have called me a psycho or accused me of violenxce but the funny part is I’ve never hurt anybody at all other than myself. Actually its not even a little bit funny and I need a beer. Better go dig for change

 

just Rollin thru. Catchh u guys soon

 

– Russ

 

4evr bleaker Corner 2 turn

should probably get my own account and stop posting through russ’s, but what would be the point? that guy doesn’t seem like he gives a shit about anything. actually am thinking about going to visit russ in the real soon, been talking to him a lot through final fantasy 11 online. we play together on the midgardsormr server, almost no one plays that game anymore but russ and i started an IA guild on there if anyone ever wants to come join us, i play as a mithra bard/white mage called JACK IA and russ is a galka dark knight named “SHITSTAIN.”

 

don’t really have much to say but i just wanted to jump on here for a second before i put on the same pants i’ve been wearing for like five days now and go to my mindless job that i despise. money doesn’t mean anything to me and i can’t really manage to save any of it, i guess there are things that i want like to travel but virtually everywhere i go feels like the same place anyway and at the end of the day unless i’m wrapped around a beer and a pizza i feel terribly afraid. i want to press RESET on this jenga nintendo life as the last block pulls itself and the tower continues to crumble cyclically in endless fashion, want to begin game again as someone else, knowing what i know from this lifetime, but preferably not. i wish that a static cyclone would come erase my brainwaves using bad magnets to dial the polarity of myself back to before zero. i want to stare into the sun until the end of time without squinting because nothing at this point could exacerbate the already perpetual headache i’ve accumulated over 25 years of existing as an infinitely fractured vessel of truth. maybe i never existed at all. when the train conductor comes around to collect my four dollars on the way to work, i just stare down into my phone and write notes at the speed of light anymore, and usually nobody bothers me.

 

just want to thank russ again for keying me into IA and letting me use this account all summer, russ, if you see this i hope everything’s going ok, same to thom and LHJ. i havent heard from anyone in a while but did talk to LHJ once over the phone this summer. honestly hate nothing more than extreme temperatures, i’m not built for it, fuck summer and winter, for every apex there is a necessary collapse, change is terrifying but there is beauty in transitional energy, even if it comes from strife and turmoil around the way. maybe i’m just a pussy and this post sucks, maybe it would be better if i were someone else. in any event i better go slam a diet dr. pepper and smoke the tenth cigarette since i woke up if i have any hope of shorting my circuits enough for what i gotta deal with today.

peace out, girl scouts

-jack

saying nothing

hello guys russ here again. well fall is allmost here, mostly just am feeling like being asleep. as usual. Lately been eating a lot of ground turkey at home but feeling like i can never put on enough hot sauce, can anyone relate? found some temporary work building pallets and moving boxes, good shit to put green ducats in my back pocket. keep going to the bar every night but every girl i see looks like her face is a mosquito bite drowning in alien puke. i miss jane but im so fucked if i try to call her ever again. i mean she is a fucking cunt but so am i. the whole world is a big mucousy cavern at times i feel like we are all just getting sucked into the abyss of sin. well when i come out the other side, you won’t even see yourself. ive been studying the bible mostly revelations and i see what has to happen, the mission grows increeasingly clear. feeling more and more alarmed these days at the way things r progressing along but im just minding my business. people see me on the street and say “y so blue russ” or “u should smile more” and they have no clue what im packing. When someone step to me trying to start conffrontation i just laugh anymore, i cant be shattered, and if they will try to shatter me they could only shatter theirself.

honestly dont give a fuck about much anymore. life wasgood back when i worked at the gas station and jane came over to make  sausage and bread. but life doesnt work that way, it isnt like in disney where everything works out at the end. it’s more like that movie A Serbian Film i’m coming to realize, well guess what, the joke’s not on Russell James everyone is gonna find out before the credits start to roll, in about 2 seconds here. i’ve been shattered beyond repair so DON’T fuck with me.

 

that’s basically all i just wanted to get up with u guys since it’s been a second. glad to see some new ppl r on here, havent seen LHJ on maplestory in a while so i hope he’s alright. shoutouts to thomas for keeping this shit alive.

1471929625947

on being a Shell:

She was in Hell. Love would never find her on her own terms, and she stumbled listlessly through her days feeling vapid and empty. The weight of various woes mixed with accumulated remorse made her feel as though she’d sunk underwater some time ago and only recently discovered the surface again. She was learning how to breathe as if she’d never known at all; in quick gasps, she fought to get a word in edgewise. No stranger to throwing a wrench into the works of space and time, she spent her days connecting stardust dots and hoping against her better judgement for clues to appear.

The one she loved was the brightest star in her sky. She smiled with ease when he was near as without fail he always set free the wild laughter hidden within her. She loved without limitation and she struggled with filtering the magnitude of the flame he stoked within her. It was impossible to say how much. When she was all alone she laid in bed and cried at the way she ached for him, craving his embrace beyond any desire she’d ever known. Still, she made love to herself patiently, cherishing the persistent fantasy of being filled with his light.

“An empty shell,” she thought, as she dressed and began preheating the oven with one hand while buttoning her shirt with the other. Lighting a cigarette with wistful abandon, she sighed and wished silently for some way her dream could shift into being. Sighing tiredly, she grinned crookedly and brewed coffee with newfound purpose and attention to the tiniest of details.

Between dreaming and being awake, neither was as real to her as the dimension of otherness. A receiver of various signs, she interpreted signals from beyond, inferring through bleak boundaries  of the physical world to intuit the grand design of formless chaos. Spirits came to whistle at her through the kitchen window, their whispers morphing in collision with her soul to songs of his Love caterwauled in secret languages.

Curled up under her favorite threadbare blanket, she ate an entire pizza by herself that night. Rarely ever did she go out anymore. Frittering away the hours at home, she worked constantly, weaving webs of threads spun from a zillion yarns told across kitchen tables all over America.

She became crazed with the half-emptiness she experienced in his absence.  Her heart bubbled with joy when she thought of him, but also sadness and insufferable inadequacy. She felt that in her own natural way, the shell of herself could never be warm enough for him to know her as Home. Still, his smile gave her hope, and most of all sweetness, and most importantly, Light.

Lamenting that she could never be a butterfly, the better to tickle the tip of his nose with her wings, suddenly there came a flash. Thunder roared outside the window and from dreaming her favorite dream earlier on, she had soaked through to the bone already. Tilting her head up toward the sky, she politely opened her mouth and gracefully accepted a drink. Then, emphatically, she dispersed into as many drops of herself as there were drops of rain. Her tears poured forth and upward, soaking all the stars in heaven, and everything went dark.

That is, all being was pitch black until his light shown in darkness, beaming gently down on her, its perfectly comforting glow enmeshed with a dim echo that every version of herself had always known throughout all time. He neutralized her temperature with his effervescent vibration and kept her from trembling. He filled her soul with solidity and confidence and peace and kept her mind at ease. She wrapped herself around him and his aura of flaming brilliance became doubly blinding, and together they hurtled through the darkness forever.

48ac369c94d5c0b74fc6714ad753fdcd_view

#Rekt

feel like i haven’t posted on here in a dog’s age. it seems almost impossible to do almost anything anymore. feeling destroyed internally, like incinerated, mutilated, utterly shredded, as if there were a mosquito bite where my heart’s supposed to be. the more i try to take care of myself and go out on a limb to be myself and try to be happy the clearer it becomes that i’m never gonna make it home to anything but chaos living as this. thankful at least for the fact that cigarettes exist. otherwise i’d be so fucked. lately there have lots of bees outside my house. a hornet stung my leg and now it feels like a black hole is growing on my calf.

every time i leave the house and try to enjoy stuff that should make me feel good or at least nostalgic, like going to my favorite bar, it just feels like burning. it’s hard to describe. i always have so much to say and most everyone i find out in the world has so little patience or willingness to understand. sometimes i intimidate people without meaning to; i’ll be ignored from that point on OR (i’ve had this happen a lot), people who seem to feel threatened by me will turn around and assert dominance by arguing fiercely about nothing. the other night, some wench at the local tavern i like to haunt sometimes started screamin at me about hilary clinton. even though i wasn’t really listening, just staring at the sky and trying to drink a beer, i must have said something to set her off. in high school she had sex with virtually every guy in my class but i never paid her much attention really. some friendships were definitely injured beyond repair by this girl’s need to seduce everything in her path; i guess i’m lucky that sometimes isolation maybe even equates to some degree of self-respect. so, maybe she’s just offended i never expressed interest in trying to have sex with her. literally SCREAMING at me, i don’t know why, but people do act weird when they’re sexually frustrated, especially when they feel conflicted about who or what they want. or why.

it was extra weird because a friend of hers at the table that night started talking to me about getting married. girl B and i hooked up once a long time ago but the sex was mediocre at best and resulted in the irreconcilable ruin of a great relationship i was in at the time. the harlot would always come over to my house wasted on friday or saturday nights and claim to be too smashed to go home. i guess i was dumb, or maybe it was just that my girlfriend’s twin sister turned out to be the one i really loved, like some cruel twist of fate that made it game over before we ever really pressed ‘start.’

in my experience of living as man, it seems that relationships with women never pan out in a way that seems to make sense (or sometimes in a way that makes too much sense), even though everything is everything and everything happens for a reason (no reason). i struggle with finding the reason why i had to be born a boy. is it fucked up if i want to become a gay woman, or maybe one who likes boys about .0001% of the time (that may even be a generous approximation)? i feel like some people would say that just makes me a pervert or a creep or something.

thinking about sex gives me a headache but i have one friend, baxter, who i can always talk to about anything no matter how fucked up it is. he’s the only person i like to spend time with more than i like being alone. honestly, i’ve entertained the possibility quite a lot that i’m further gone off the deep end than i even know, and that maybe baxter is as much a figment of my imagination as everything else feels like sometimes. usually we meet all kinds of fucked up archetypal characters when we go out, almost like we’re living in a greek myth where he’s Zeus or Osiris or something and i’m Thanatos or potentially even Persephone. that being said, i guess it’s not really so weird after all that we wound up bumping into the harpies at the bar.

i’m so fuckin glad i found this website. sometimes no matter how honestly i express myself or how openly i wear my heart on my sleeve, i feel like everyone just wants to murder me for the level of freedom i have, thanks mostly to my newfound acceptance of total zeroism as the only lasting infinite truth. a guy I worked for a long time ago told me that infinite love is the only truth and i struggle a lot with the question of whether Love is real, or nothing is. maybe love is nothing. maybe everything is.

i bet some people would read this post and think call me a misogynist or accuse me of trying to slut-shame the girls in my story from before because i don’t respect the way they use their sex as a divisive mechanism. recently i called out some girl from town for making a creepy rape joke i didn’t like on facebook. she had posted a picture of some guy standing behind her holding her arms like a puppet and put the caption, “i’ll make her look like she likes it.” i wrote that it’s actually a woman’s own job to decide what she does and doesn’t like and that i didn’t appreciate how the overall statement could be interpreted to promote a culture of sexual violence. i guess that because i have a penis, no matter the level at which i experience gender dysphoria or the way i think, i really went out on a limb with my comment. various double-standards among the gender paradigm are endlessly mystifying to me. one of the girl’s friends responded that it’s none of my business what the first girl’s joke means and i need to stop “man-splaining,” which according to her is a violent way that men misinterpret the messages and intentions of women. the whole conversation kind of made me want to throw up, even just thinking about it now does too honestly….pretty sure i was actually just me-splainin’, but when i’m really sincere, i feel like i get the worst results. can’t even refer to the conversation anymore because the first girl blocked me, but i’m pretty sure the second girl was basically saying that because i’m not biologically female, it was wrong of me in that instance to speak out against rape culture if by doing so i would be condemning a woman’s own role in perpetuating the cycle of undermining the value of all womankind. but then again, maybe that’s just my tendency to “man-splain” making me think that. *barf*

read a great article on wikipedia that made me think a lot about who the hell i’m supposed to be. i recommend everyone ask themself that same question more often, every single day if possible. good luck out there everyone. if i die today, even though some people hate me for relentlessly telling the truth, my conscience is clear as spring rain and heart is lighter than anything. stay Real.

-jack

 

 

 

 

 

 

just anomally thinggs…

heyy guys russel here, woke up and heard a new song today…

well i wanted just to get on here and tell you guys im ok. people keep contacting me on here about some of my posts from the past when i had a bad addiction problem to alpha-php and 3-meo-pcp, i dontt even do drugggs anymore just for incase you guys wondered. mostly just drink coffee and smoke salem-winston Lights. not that it’s anybody’s GOD DAMN FUCKING BUSIness but mine. sorry i get a littttle heated at times when my phone starts breaking down on me for no reason. im thinking of buying a samsung galaxy in a feww here can anybody speak to that?? is it a good phone?

 

well some stuff happened the other day but i wont get into it currently im still in court proceedings with my ex-girlfriend jane ross. if you guys dont know her she\\s the most selfish person ive ever met thatss all i’ll say. people always say to me “russ whats wrong ‘ OR  “russ y the long face” well when someonne takes u to court for a restraining order they issued because you told the truth, its frustrating. i represent myself in any and all proceedings because even though the official story sometimes says “no foul play,” i read between the lines when bad shit happenns. Kaelyn the girl downstairs from my apartment in the gas station wher i used to work said the same thing to me even. im thinkinggg of asking me to go out with her and eat tomato soup soon. i got a new job at a firmm downtown wher all i do is jerk off, leave work early to go to the firing range and make coffee. u cant make thiss stuff up. the truth is stranger

 

well guys i just wanted to say i have been was thinkng about you guys a lot mostly for the time ive been awaayy. i talked to thom and lhj on maplestory the other night and theyr good guys honestly most of my friends that id say are the best ive met from there and starmen.net. started reading another blog www.soymilkrevolution.com and whoever is the mixtape character on there hes my new fuckinggg hero. not sure why the guy writing the blog is aggressively deriding mixtape so much. seems like frommm what i can tell the author must be sexually attracted to him in order to hate mixtape that much and likely a closeted homosexual,  i have a sixth sense for these kindss of things but im very busy, gotta go to work soon and always am fighting for time to take a shit before i clock in. welll i guess thats it for now guys im gonna go bust out grande latte enema tyler durden style annd go jacks  smirking revenge on the situation as usuall. dont worry about me 2 all my friends on here. i wont ever changge

 

ifrit _ over and out&– RUSSELL JAMES, JR.

pissed off

hello it’s jack, sorry for the confusion. feeling extremely fucking angry. this summer has been the most fucked up yet just like everything else. wanted to just give shoutouts to lhj for reminding me to do pushups when i’m feeling this way, hate heals. you should try it sometime.

hooked up with this mousy lesbian girl who wrecked my whole fucking world. people love to call me a drug addict and sever ties with me, well guess what bitch, the needle is full of you. it’s not even fair.  wish i was a lesbian living on a bed made out of pomegranates and avocado shells.  then nobody could play the ice queen card in order to destroy my happiness for no reason.

 

god, im fucking finixhed. i really am. takes almost all my energy to keep it real like i do and my face just keeps getting jerked off in as a result. i tried watching gay porn and i liked it. ten dollars left to last until payday next week, i wonder how much liquor that will buy. definitely no reason to be sober at this point. my lesbian mouse said she had loved me since before we ever even met, then ran back to her girlfriend before anything could get real. plus i had tried to say no in the first place out of respect; she tried to take me into the woods and use me to satiate herself and i defiantly blacked out on a bench instead. then once she sobered up and came clean, it became a matter of her trying to say i started it. so i changed her name in my phone to “Trick2” and was reminded why the people who only pretend to love me so they can use my dick are always the ones i hate the most.

 

i’m not gonna lie i’ve always struggled with gender dysphoria. this girl being a bitch on this level really made me want to just change into something nobody can touch. i want to be a gryffin chimera of all good things beating to the rhythm of the heart of the world.  fucking glad i’m not worth loving to most people honestly, if i’m straight up with almost anyone i can see the machine of themself short-circuiting while they wonder if i’m a person who sex could be ok with. people are so fucking fake, if the apocalypse happens in my lifetime i’ll enjoy the carnage so much. a violent death could only be glorious

 

happy birthday jerry.

 

  • jackz
« Older posts

© 2016 isolation anonymous

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑